


encountered

by crytalstellar



Category: Hakuouki
Genre: F/M, Slight spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 09:26:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7796380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crytalstellar/pseuds/crytalstellar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That's how it all began: with an encounter.</p>
<p>And every time your paths would cross, each encounter occurred with more intent than the last.</p>
            </blockquote>





	encountered

**Author's Note:**

> This is a repost of a fic I wrote in 2012 for a fic trade. It was originally posted as five parts, but I've compiled them together here. It's really kind of interesting to see the change my style's gone through over the past four years.
> 
> I proofread it a little (because my 20 year old self didn't do a perfect job), but I'm too tired to to the rest. /shot 
> 
> (I would take out the honorifics and stuff because the me now wouldn't have done it, but preservation of style.... cries)

People often remember the happiest moments of their lives with a clarity that’s as clear as crystal, but more often than not, the scariest moments can be recalled with an even greater clarity, as if they had just happened. And that moment, so scary, yet so beautiful, was burned into your mind. You would never forget the image of that young samurai, whirling his sword round and round like the blades of a windmill as he slashed at the surrounding sumo wrestlers. It almost looked as if he were dancing about the carnage to a solid beat, and when the young man’s dance came finally to a halt, his clothes were so bloody that they appeared black.

But what was even scarier than the bloodstains was the child like grin that on the young man’s face.

It was terrible, horrible, but and yet, so beautiful all at the same time.

But perhaps the most twisted thing of all was the burning desire that was born that day. The desire for the beautiful bloodstained boy.

And that’s what scared you the most.

 

* * *

 

A few months after that incident your sister had asked you and your older brother to come back to Kyoto to help manage the restaurant since your mother had passed on. At first, you were disappointed, having liked living in Osaka, but soon enough that disappointment changed to happiness, when, one day after heading home from the store, you saw him.

He looked different, sporting a sky blue haori with white mountain stripes, but there was no mistaking it. It was the bloodstained boy you’d seen in Osaka. He marched forth proudly, leading a group of other men wearing the same haori as him. A few of the townspeople watched them, their expressions varying from a muted fear to outright contempt. When you returned home to the restaurant you asked your father about the boy and his group. It turned out you had heard of them, a group called the Shinsengumi, who patrolled Kyoto despite not being particularly liked by the people of the city.

It was through gossip you’d heard while working that you’d learned the boy’s name: Okita Souji, the captain of the Shinsengumi’s first division. There were rumors that the Shinsengumi was full of bloodthirsty wolves, and that he, Okita Souji, was the worst of them all. You knew too, you had seen it with your own eyes, seen why they thought him to be a ruthless beast. And it scared you, just like it scared everyone else… But despite that, there was something about him that still attracted you to him. There was something about him that made you search for him whenever you saw a group of men in those sky blue haori, or when you tried to be the one to go shopping on the days he thought he was going to be on patrol. You didn’t know what it was that attracted you to him, but in the end, you figured those desires and fantasies about the young man would remain just that so you seldom bothered trying to figure out the reasons.

One day while you were out, you noticed him walking along with some of his colleagues, but instead of being up front, he was in the back. It seemed almost as if he was trying to fade into the sea of men, but you could see him. Two years of searching him out made it so easy to pick him out in a crowd. Your brother would often tease you and call you a stalker but it wasn’t as if you were going do anything hurt him or actually kept tabs on what he was doing. He eventually he seemed to separate from his group entirely, ducking into an alleyway.

Curiosity got the better of you and you followed him, albeit hesitantly, the last thing you wanted to was to find something that he’d have to kill you over. He wasn’t too far into the alley, but deep enough that any passerby wouldn’t take notice to him easily despite his recognizable haori. He was coughing up a storm. You opened your mouth to ask if he was alright only to see him pull his hand away from his mouth, a small puddle of blood in his palm.

Frightened, you took a step backwards, tripping over a stone or something, and fell. Okita reacted instantly, drawing his sword and turning to point it at you. “Hm? What’s this? Hasn’t anyone told you it’s not safe to wander the alleyways?”

You stared at him with an open mouth. You probably looked ridiculous, but you weren’t about to worry about appearances now. You only stared at tip of his sword before your eyes slowly shifted to the other hand, the bloody one. He wouldn’t kill you… right? It wasn’t as if you had said or done anything, so he had no reason to kill you… Not yet, anyway. But there was something about the blood that seemed familiar, but you couldn’t place it.

Your lack of answer seemed to convince Okita you weren’t a threat, and he slowly sheathed his sword, though he kept his hand on the hilt and his eye on you. It seemed as if you weren’t going to say or do anything so he walked past you, back towards the street.

“Tuberculosis.”

That one word was enough to change the entire situation. Okita froze and whirled around. Since you hadn’t moved, you couldn’t see his expression. Slowly, you turned your head, horror dawning on your face. “…you… have it, don’t you?”

Okita’s face revealed nothing, but you were positive. Your older brother’s friend had died of tuberculosis, she had coughed up blood too, and Okita hadn’t been patrolling as much as he used to, so you had figured he’d been sick… so… it made sense to you. He gave you a mocking smile. “Now, why would you lie about something as serious as that, miss?”

“…It’s not a lie… I know… my brother’s friend had it…” you responded, slowly, carefully, as if saying it too quickly would end with you decapitated.

“That’s not a really good joke, you know. If I were that sick, I wouldn’t be able to patrol, you know?” Okita was smiling, but it was nowhere near friendly. It was dangerous, almost frightening, even. You stared at him, wide-eyed. It was a secret. No one was supposed to know… if the Satsuma or Choshu found out that one of the best swordsmen in the Shinsengumi was riddled with illness… It wouldn’t go well, of that you were sure. But instead of saying you wouldn’t tell in efforts to appease him, you instead said, “I…I won’t tell, but.. at a price.”

Once the words out you clamped your hands over your mouth. They were a death sentence. You were dead. What in the world had you be thinking? Okita advanced closer to you, hand on the hilt of his sword, eyes glimmering dangerously. “Oh? And what’s stopping me from killing you now?”

“Ah… uh…” you crawled backwards, trying to create some distance between you and him. You wanted to think that maybe he was joking about killing you, that he wasn’t serious. But, he looked pretty serious now. You searched your mind for a way to reason with him, so he wouldn’t kill you. “If… if you did it he would be sad!”

Okita raised an eyebrow, “Haaa?”

His name, what was his name? Your brow furrowed as you tried to remember the name that may or may not decide whether you lived to see tomorrow. “Kondou!”

“…what does Kondou-san have to do with this?”

“He would be upset.” Your words came out in a nearly garbled mess. “He wouldn’t want you to kill an innocent girl!”

Okita stared at you before he snorted. “I would hardly call you innocent. Who was it that just threatened to blackmail me?”

How foolish had you been to try to blackmail someone like him. If only you had told him that you weren’t going to say anything… You closed your eyes waiting for the moment when his sword would strike, cutting into you and draining you of your life. If anything, you supposed it was some kind of karma decided that this boy was the one to end you… though you weren’t sure if it were a good thing or bad thing.

A few moments passed and nothing had happened. Hesitantly, you opened one eye to see what had happened. Okita was leaning against a nearby wall, watching you with a sort of amused expression. His grin widened once he saw you open your eyes. “Hm, took you long enough.”

“Y-you’re not going to kill me?”

He shrugged. “Didn’t you say you were an ‘innocent girl’? You should be harmless then.”

“…but didn’t you say that I just tried to blackmail you.”

“So?” his hand casually moved to the hilt of his sword. “…if you have a death wish, I don’t really mind fulfilling it…”

You shook your head vigorously. “Ah, no… I…”

Having heard your response, Okita turned around and headed back onto the street. Feeling thoroughly, confused you scrambled to your feet and called out for him to wait. He stopped and turned around, giving you what seemed like a friendly smile. At least… you probably would have thought it was if it hadn’t sent shivers up and down your spine. “Tell anyone else about what you saw today, and I’ll kill you.”

And with that he was gone. You stared at the spot he’d been standing at before sinking to the ground. Were you happy that you had finally, finally exchanged words with a man you had admired from afar for a long time? Or were you scared to death because said man had threatened to kill you, and maybe almost made good on that threat. Your heart raced to a quickened beat as you tried to sort out how you felt about what just happened.

Eventually, you realized something: even though you were thoroughly frightened of him, you were just as thrilled because you now had something you could use to actually talk to him instead of watching from afar.

And that’s what scared you even more.

 

* * *

 

Following your encounter with Okita, you had informed your older sister of what happened, leaving out the bit of finding out he had tuberculosis just like he had wanted (though part of you thought he may have intended to keep the entire encounter a secret). Like any good, caring sister she was horrified, and told you to keep away from Okita whenever possible. The men of the Shinsengumi were dangerous, and he, Okita, was the worst of them all, and she did not want you socializing with such people out of fear that you may not come home one day because of it.

To make sure that you weren’t going out and socializing with him and other dangerous people, she’d confined you to the restaurant, and took on the responsibility of buying groceries and other things your family needed. You had argued with her, telling her that dangerous people like the Shinsengumi frequented the restaurant just as often as you saw them on the streets. To her, they were two different matters, and that was the end of that, since if you argued it further, she might have seen your point and banned the men from coming in altogether, eliminating your chances to see Okita entirely.

Not that you thought that you would start seeing him more often after your little encounter, but you could always hope.

And perhaps that hope was enough because a few weeks following your meeting, he walked in with a few of the other Shinsengumi captains. When your brother pointed them out, you nearly spat out your drink because Okita had been staring straight at you, a mocking smile gracing his features. Your brother joked that he’d finally taken notice to you and gave you a hearty slap on the back, telling you that you’d be the one waiting on their table… Thank goodness your sister wasn’t there, or she’d probably have a fit.

But then again, they were in the restaurant, so this was business, and therefore okay by her standards.

You prepared the tea that was given to all customers and placed it on a tray when it was ready. All the while you felt Okita’s eyes on you. Given what he had said, you figured he would’ve preferred to pretend you both had never met before. What was he doing then? Making sure you wouldn’t spill the beans? You weren’t about to, that much was sure, after all, you knew he would more than likely make good on his promise to kill you. The image of the first time you saw him, his bloody slaughter, flashed in your mind, and you nearly dropped the tray with the tea onto the floor. Oh, if you had, your sister would have your head… Shakily, you placed each cup in front of the table occupants. When you put down the one for Okita in front him he leaned forward ever so slightly and whispered so only you could hear him, “Hm~ I thought you looked familiar.”

You didn’t say anything. You weren’t in a position to. Instead you bowed to the men, telling them you’d return in a few moments to see what they wanted. You returned to the back, walking almost mechanically, your face an healthy shade of pink. When you returned to the kitchen your brother joked with you, “Ah? Did you flirt with him?”

“…no.”

“…well, your face is red, so he must’ve said something to you.”

No. You were just being stupid. Really stupid. It wasn’t as if what he said had any meaning, but he had come by the restaurant enough times for you to be recognizable to him, which somehow made everything worse. You felt so embarrassed that you didn’t want to go back out there, but you had to. It was bad if you let your personal feelings disrupt the family business. Finally, you gathered your courage and returned to take their order. You kept telling yourself that you had done nothing wrong, and he wouldn’t do anything to you so long as you did nothing to provoke him.

He must’ve known that his comment had messed with you a little bit. He had an amused little smirk on his face the entire time you were marking down what he and his companions wanted to eat. It was stupid. Why were you letting that one little comment drive you mad? It wasn’t even like he had said anything provocative either. You were just being a silly little girl.

His friends must’ve noticed that he was extra amused about something, because as you were walking away they asked him why he looked so entertained. He merely responded in a sing-song voice that it was nothing, his voice loud enough for you to hear. You knew better, but you didn’t say anything. You didn’t know what you could say.

You relayed the order to your brother, who was helping out the cooks. Then he told you, in a nonchalant voice. “Your face is still red. You sure he didn’t say anything?”

“He only said I looked familiar.”

“Oh. What?” He was quiet and you gave a brief retelling of your previous meeting with Okita. When you were done he gave you a nod and a smile. “…well, that’s a good thing isn’t it? He really has taken notice of you.”

You looked at your brother and shook your head. Yeah. Right. He’s taken notice of you. He’s taken notice so he can figure out whether or not he needs to kill you. For the sake of your own life, you remained in the kitchen, peeking every now and then to see if anyone needed a refill. They were the only ones in the restaurant, so there was no need to go out there to tend to any other customers. When their food was ready, you heaved it all onto a large tray and brought it out to the group. Okita still had that little smirk on his face, so you avoided looking at him as much as you could. When everyone had their food you bowed. At some point during your bow your sister had walked through the door, and nearly shrieked your name, “What are you doing?”

You shot up, confused why she was responding the way that she was. She placed the groceries she had bought aside and stomped towards you. When she was standing right in front of you, she pointed her finger at Okita and spat, “What is he doing here? I told you that you’re forbidden to see him!”

You opened your mouth to respond that she had specifically said that it was okay if he were a customer in the restaurant, but she continued to yell, “You… you must have sent for him since I forbade you to leave the restaurant to shop…!”

“No!” you managed out. “I did no such thing!”

“Don’t lie!” your sister turned to Okita, who was watching her looking somewhat amused. It seemed he thought of her as some sort of entertainment, which probably enraged the woman even more. “And you! Get out! You’re not welcome here!”

“Nee-san, he’s a paying customer, there’s no-” you were cut off by a slap to the face. The other men at the table began to murmur, all of them clearly confused about what exactly was going on. The commotion was loud enough to be heard from the kitchen, and your brother emerged, looking just as confused.

“What’s going on?” he asked, looking from you to your sister.

“Even though I told her that she was forbidden to see this man!” she jabbed a finger in Okita’s direction. “She had the gall to invite him here to she could see him.”

“…if she did, what’s so wrong with that?” your brother retorted. You felt a surge of relief flood through you when you heard him taking your side. You were sure he could tell that you had not invited Okita to the restaurant, if you had, you wouldn’t have reacted the way you did. “Should it matter as long as we have paying customers? I mean, you lot do intend to pay for you food.”

“Of course,” the red haired man was first to speak up. “It would be wrong of us to come in here and expect food for free. You do have a business to run after all.”

“I see nothing wrong with this, onee-sama,” your brother crossed his arms. “If they intend to pay there’s no reason to kick them out, in fact, if our dear little sister had been the one to invite them here, we should be grateful for their patronage. Father said that since Mother died, there’s been a decrease in customers….”

Your sister’s face grew red, but she didn’t say anything. Instead she stamped angrily up the stairs to her room. It was quiet for a moment, and then your brother yanked you back down into a bowing position. “We apologize for our sister’s behavior. We do hope you’ll forgive us for this incident and continue coming to our restaurants as guests.”

“Ah, no, no… it’s alright,” another one of the men, this one wearing a headband with short brown hair was the first to answer. “…you guys are pretty tolerant of us when we come so…”

“Thank you.” Slowly, you and your brother rose from the bows. You caught sight of Okita’s amused expression once more, and once, you were able to, you ran back into the kitchen to hide from it, resuming your routine of only exiting when needed. But after the incident with your sister, he wasn’t the only one staring. The others would look at you curiously whenever you appeared to refill a cup of tea or remove an empty dish, but none of them voiced whatever they were thinking, but you knew. They knew that whatever was amusing Okita had something to do with you. They just didn’t know what.

For your own sake, you hoped that it would stay that way.

 

* * *

 

The next morning you were greeted with a surprise when you headed downstairs to start your shift. Your brother was near the restaurant’s entrance and waved you over to where he was. Once you saw who he was talking to, you felt a strange mixture of thrill and fear that you felt would be something you’d feel only if this particular person was involved.

“Wh-what are you doing here?” you nearly sputtered the words out. You hadn’t thought you would see him again so soon. You couldn’t think of why either.

“Heh~ Is there something wrong with my being here?” Okita asked, his voice teasing.

You opened and closed your mouth quickly, unable vocalize any kind of response. Your brother patted you on the back, “Okita-san here said he has some kind date with you today.”

Your jaw dropped. A what?! You rubbed your eyes. You had to be dreaming. This could not possibly be real. There was just no way. Your eyes moved from your brother to Okita, who had a frightening smile plastered to his handsome face. “B-but… I don’t… didn’t… didn’t onee-san forbid me from…”

Your brother dismissed what you were saying with a wave of his hand, “Don’t mind what she says; the woman’s just displeased that no one wants to marry her.”

Your eyes shifted to Okita, and then back to your brother. You quickly bowed and apologized to Okita before dragging your brother a little bit away to whisper in his ear, “…I don’t think that’s main reason why she doesn’t want me seeing him…”

“What? You don’t want to?” he grinned.

“I-it’s not that, but I just don’t want to get her angry enough to toss me out onto the streets!” you hissed.

“…I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen. Customers like you far more than they like her after all,” his voice was reassuring, and you knew he was right. When both you and your sister were working customers preferred you as their server than her. “…besides, the children seem to like him, so I don’t see the issue…”

“So~” Okita called. “Are we going~?”

You gave your brother another pleading look before he pushed you in Okita’s direction. He wouldn’t have been doing that if you told him that he’d threatened your life the first time you both spoke, but it was too late to tell your brother that, especially in front of Okita. “B-but what about my shift?”

Your brother grinned. “It will be slow today, so there’s no worry.”

You slowly looked back to Okita, who was giving you that amused smile he’d had on his face during his visit to the restaurant the day before. You were sure that from the way your sister had acted the day before, he had figured out that you had told her something, and now he was here to ascertain what she knew from you. You hadn’t told her the vital piece of information you knew, but even then, if you couldn’t get Okita to believe that, you were sure that you were as good as dead.

You shot one last desperate look at your brother who waved you off with a smile. Hopefully, you’d come back home alive. The both of you walked in silence for a few moments. Eventually, you couldn’t take it anymore and asked the thing that was bothering you the most, “So, uh… why… are we going out?”

He smiled. From previous experience, smiles were supposed to make someone feel better or have some positive effect, but Okita’s smile positively scared you, sending shivers up and down your spine. “Well, because of what happened yesterday with someone’s sister, there are now rumors that we’re romantically involved.”

You began to sputter. Yeah, you were romantically involved with Okita… but only in your wildest dreams. “Wh-what?!”

“And Kondou-san heard,” Okita continued. “and he told me, that I should spend the day with you since I’m not on patrol.”

He turned to you, his grin wide. You weren’t sure how someone could look so frightening with a smile, but perhaps it was a special skill of Okita’s. You gulped, “Uh, well… you… you didn’t have to…”

“…are you suggesting I lie to Kondou-san about spending the day with you?” Seems like you picked the wrong response.

“No! N-not at all!”

“Besides, I have the feeling a certain someone told her sister about what happened,” Okita led you down an alleyway. You figured he was hoping to continue your conversation in private though- your eyes wandered down to his sword, you felt like it was going to become an interrogation where he wasn’t afraid to use whatever he had at his disposal to get answers. Hopefully he’d believe whatever you had to say.

“I… I only told her that we met,” you informed him, slowly inching away from him. “I didn’t tell her anything about.. about you know what.”

“Heh, really?” He hadn’t drawn his sword yet, but the look on his face was so scary that there was no need for him to.

You nodded vigorously. “I promise! She’s just… really… overprotective.”

“Hm..” Okita’s expression softened. You wondered if it was possible he could identify. Though he didn’t seem like he really needed someone to worry about that kind of thing. In fact, he seemed to be the kind of person people needed to be protected from.

“…Is… is it okay, then?” your voice was timid. You would have preferred to admire his contemplative expression rather than disturb it, but you wanted to know he was satisfied that your sister knew nothing of the real issue.

He looked down at you, his smile almost mocking, “Who knows~”

You stared at him, your heart rate increasing slightly. It was better than no, and his smile… You shook your head a little. His tuberculosis was all the more reason to try and forget about your infatuation, but that smile… even if it was a bit mean, it tugged at your heartstrings.

He began to head further down the alley. After getting a few feet away he stopped and turned to look at you. “…well, are you coming?”

You gaped at him, “…are we… really going to spend the day together?”

He crossed his arms, the mocking smile returning to his face, “Are you going to really make me lie to Kondou-san?”

“A-ah,” you shook your head and approached him. When you were close enough, he continued forward. At the end of the alley was a bazaar. Silently, Okita led you around, looking at the various wares people had out. Normally, when you went to the bazaar, it was really crowded and you would tend to run into people, but this time you hadn’t. Looking around, you realized that people seemed to be avoiding you and Okita, almost as if there was a protective bubble surrounding you both. You weren’t too surprised; Okita was rather notorious amongst the townspeople. You sighed, even if your sister hadn’t been there when he came to get you, she’d surely hear that you’d been with him from someone.

“Hm? Are you bored?” Okita’s voice drew you from your thoughts. He hardly looked concerned, despite his question. You shook your head.

“…I’m just thinking how my sister will know I saw you today,” you replied, having the feeling that if you lied to him, he’d see through you and call you out on it. Okita didn’t say anything this time, his expression shifting from amusement to something you couldn’t quite decipher, though there was something about it that seemed almost… painful. Not wanting him to make such a face, you decided to change the subject. “…so, um, do you like shopping?”

“Eh? Not really~”

“Oh?” The both of you moved on to the next stall, this one selling tableware. You picked up a bowl, examining it carefully. “I think it’s fun… well, when I’m doing it on my own time. What do you like to do for fun?”

Okita was silent, and you weren’t too sure that he’d heard you. You turned to look at him, opening your mouth to repeat your question only to find him smiling. You froze, almost dropping the bowl you were holding. His smile was beautiful, so much that it almost hurt, but at the same time it scared you. His lips were twisted into some sort of dark, cruel, almost sadistic grin. You gulped. He had heard you, alright, but there was no need for him to vocalize his answer. Not with a look like that.

“Erm, well,” you put the bowl back down before you accidentally dropped it and had to pay for it. “…I… I think it’d be good for you to do more fun things, you know? E-especially, if you could… you know… at any moment.”

You weren’t sure if you were referring to his illness or the fact that in his line of work, dying was a occupational hazard. He gave you a solemn look, “…I don’t really care for such things.”

“O-oh…”

“All I need is to be useful to Kondou-san. The rest doesn’t really matter.” There was something about the way he said it that sounded almost… lonely. You weren’t too familiar with the Shinsengumi and its members, but you’d seen Kondou a few times. He seemed more like a nice uncle rather than the leader of a bloodthirsty gang. For that reason, you found it hard to imagine the man happy to see that Okita was as… violent as he was. But Okita said ‘useful’ and if he killed the group’s enemies that would count as ‘useful.’ But he wasn’t much older than you, it seemed such a shame that was all he wanted in life…

You didn’t point it out to Okita, feeling your question had probably gotten the point across in addition to feeling it’d make him irritable, and more likely to stir up some trouble if anyone bothered him. The rest of your trip continued in, more or less, silence. You weren’t too sure if this could really count as ‘spending the day together’ as Kondou intended since neither of you really said anything to one another, but it would still count in a way.

Somehow, the you ended up at the edge of town when it was finally sunset. Having reached the bazaar’s end, you figured you’d be returning home at this time, but Okita walked a little bit into the forest that stood at the edge of Kyoto. You wondered why he was bringing you to the forest, a feeling of unease emerging in the back of your mind. You tried to rationalize. If he wanted to kill you, wouldn’t he have done so in the alleyway? Though he did say he would have preferred to not lie to Kondou… but if you ended up dead, wouldn’t that upset the man Okita admired so much.. especially if it were after he was supposed to spend the day with you? As much as you tried to rationalize, it wasn’t working, and, in fact, was making things worse.

Finally, you found your voice and asked, “O..Okita-san… what.. are we doing here?”

Of all the answers he could’ve given you, the one you got was the one that surprised you the most. He whirled around and pinned you to the nearest tree. For a moment, you feared that this was it, he was going to kill you. But this once, the part of your mind that was trying to rationalize things did what it was meant to. If he were going to kill you, wouldn’t he have just done it rather than trap you against a tree? And if he were this close, it would be hard to kill you using a sword. As skilled as Okita was, you doubted he could draw his sword comfortably in this position. Meaning you were safe… for the moment.

“Wh-what are you doing?”

“Didn’t you say that I should have more ‘fun,’” he leaned in close, his face a few centimeters away from yours. The mocking smile had returned, but this time, it was tinged with the sadism he was known for.

You were confused at first. When you understood, your face turned a bit red. You hadn’t meant anything like that at all, but… you began to squirm, “I… I didn’t mean it like that!”

“Oh?” his face drew closer. “…then what did you mean?”

“…I don’t know! But not this!” you never had imagined that, if, by some witchcraft, you were in a position where Okita Souji were to kiss you, that you’d refuse it, but here you were. You shook your head. You’d fantasized about it, but… the real thing, at least right now, was too scary.

“You’re interested in me, though, aren’t you?” He kept inching forward. “So… it’s alright, isn’t it?”

Part of you wanted to say yes. Part of you wanted him to kiss you senseless. Your heart called for him, beating erratically in your chest This was the moment when you could make all your fantasies a reality, so why? Why were you hesitating?

“…no…”

“Hm~?”

“…no… I… I can’t…” you repeated, voice quivering. You gathered all your courage and looked him square in the eye. As tempting as it was, as much as you wanted to… you couldn’t. In his eyes there was nothing for you, no passion, no desire, nothing. Perhaps you could delude yourself into thinking that giving in to his advances would breathe life into the twisted fantasies you had of him, but… it wouldn’t. “You… you said you didn’t want to lie to Kondou-san… but… you don’t mind lying to me?”

Of course not. You were nothing to him. Frustrated, you began to struggle, trying you free yourself from his grasp. “...I… I couldn’t be happy with such a half-hearted attempt no matter how much I liked you!”

“Ah, so you are interested.”

You glared in response.

Okita held your gaze for a moment, clearly amused by your reaction, then his grip loosened, and he pulled away, lips turning upside down into a pout, though his eyes made it clear that he was entertained still. “Heh~ How boring.”

You continued to glare, although your body was shaking. He probably noticed. Okita looked away, towards the setting sun, then back to you, that mocking grin you’d become familiar with fixed upon his face, “…hm, well, I suppose I should head back now… I suppose it was ‘fun.’ ”

He laughed, and turned in the direction of the town, “…I’ll see you around, then… don’t linger too long, there are scarier things than little old me in the forest, you know.”

He continued to laugh as he walked away. You watched him warily until he disappeared from view. When he did, you dropped to your knees, hands trying to reach through your chest to calm your still racing heart. It had been close. He had been close, so close. You raised one hand to your lips. They had never connected, but, it felt almost as if they had. What would you have done if they had? Somehow, you couldn’t imagine.

The sound of the chirping cicadas reminded you that it was time to leave. You slowly brought yourself to your feet, your legs still a little unsteady. You quickly made your way home, ignoring your brother’s questions, when you walked through the door. You’d tell him how it went tomorrow, but for now… You collapsed onto your futon, feeling strangely tired all of a sudden. It didn’t take long for you to fall asleep, though, when you awoke the next morning, you had wished that you had tried to stay up a little longer.

Even though you knew, no matter what, Okita would have still haunted your dreams.

 

* * *

 

As much as you thought you were dreaming, after a few weeks, there was no denying it. Okita Souji was appearing in your life more and more.

It wasn’t much of an accident either, if you heard correctly. One night, one of Okita’s friends (Heisuke, was it?) pointed out how their patronage of your family’s restaurant had increased recently and said something like it was Okita who often suggested to go there. With that kind of thing, you supposed the rumors in the Shinsengumi of you and him being romantically involved hadn’t died down yet, but Okita seemed to like using it to his advantage. He liked to command you to and fro when he and his friends were at the restaurant. He treated you a bit more like a dog, and less like a lover.

Your sister had, grudgingly, backed off, since members of the Shinsengumi were becoming frequent customers, and, ultimately, business was business. But that didn’t stop her from shooting you and Okita dirty looks from time to time. Your brother said not to worry about it, though, because it was just her taking out her inability to get a husband on you.

You felt like she’d have a better shot if she’d stop being such a pain in the butt.

One night when Okita and his crew came by the restaurant, you took a bit longer to greet them since there was another group of customers in the restaurant. When you were able to, you brought them their tea and bowed as an apology. “I’m sorry for taking so long.”

Harada gave you a smile, “Don’t worry, you’re the only waitress on duty, right?”

You shook your head, “It’s no excuse. If we ever get any busier, I’ll have to learn to adequately wait more tables than this…”

“But at that point, won’t you have to hire more waitresses?” Heisuke asked.

“…I’m not sure if my sister will… want to hire more people.”

Harada and Nagakura nudged Heisuke’s sides, “Oi, Heisuke, why don’t you apply to be a waitress? You’re small enough for someone to mistake for a girl.”

Heisuke nearly spat out the tea he was drinking, “No! I’m a man! A man, I tell you! I can’t be a waitress!”

A small smile spread across your face. “Are you guys going to get your usual?”

There was a murmur of consent around the table, and you nodded, heading back to the kitchen to tell your brother. On your way, you heard Harada, Heisuke, and Nagakura pester Okita on why he hadn’t said anything to you since you were apparently lovers. Okita’s response was a polite death threat. In the past weeks you found that Okita made death threats quite often, to you and to his friends. Harada once told you that it meant he liked you as a person, or something like that.

Though he didn’t know that, for you, at least, Okita’s threats held some substance.

As usual, once you entered the kitchen, after accepting the orders, your brother asked you about Okita. And, as usual, there was nothing to report. He insisted that since he came by often enough there had to be some interaction between the two of you. But there wasn’t, at least, nothing more than him staring at you and ordering you around. His expressions varied from amused to smug, but he was usually watching you whenever he was in the restaurant. You weren’t ever really sure if you were happy or sad that that was all he did, but, that kind of feeling was the norm, at least whenever Okita was concerned.

“But,” your brother interrupted your thoughts. “Didn’t you say he kind of made a move on you a while back? He’s gotta be interested if he did…”

“…I… I think he was just joking around, or something like that…” you admitted. After giving the event much, much thought after it happened, it was the only answer you could really come up with. That or Okita was trying to make a point. Though whatever that point was, was lost on you.

“That’s… a really bad joke.”

You shrugged, peering out into the main area of the restaurant. The other group in the restaurant appeared to be low on tea. You filled the teapot and headed out to refill their cups. The group, comprised of entirely men, was rather loud, making it a bit hard to get their attention to fill their tea.  
“Hey!” you yelled as loudly as you could. The restaurant went silent and you felt all eyes on you. Your face heated up a bit. “Um… m-more tea?”

The group of men stared a little longer before a few of them let out jovial laughter, inviting you to refill their cups. Feeling a little better, you slowly filled their tea, careful to not overfill the cups. When you were done, you bowed and turned to return to the kitchen since no one else at the table seemed to need a refill just yet. As you made your way back, one of the men at the other table gave a hoot, “Man! I’d love a woman like that any day.”

His comment caught your attention and you couldn’t help but look back to see who it was. You made eye contact with the man who smiled at you. In response, you squeaked and ran back into the kitchen. Luckily, your brother couldn’t hear what was going on in the restaurant over the hustle and bustle of the kitchen. He’d teased you enough when it came to Okita, so you didn’t need him to tease you any more over this stranger.

When the group’s food was ready, you took a deep breath before taking it out to them. While you were carrying it to them, something odd caught your eye. Okita was giving you a look you’d never seen him give you before. He looked almost.. annoyed. But you figured it had to be a figment of your imagination, because the first explanation that came to mind was that he was jealous. And if he were jealous then you would be implying that he had some feelings for you. And, as much as part of you wanted to deny it, it wasn’t as if it was impossible, just highly, highly unlikely.

It turned out, by odd coincidence, that the man who had made the earlier comment was the one who received his food last. You placed the bowl in front of him and went to check the other table, where Okita was, when the man reached out and grabbed you by the wrist. You were pulled back a little, and you looked at the man with wide eyes, wondering what it was that he could want. There was no way he was drunk, or if he was, it was long before he came to the restaurant, your siblings didn’t think it a good idea to serve alcohol, and there were plenty of bars around town. Though, they were starting to reconsider it in hopes of gaining more business.

“Um…” you started timidly. “Wh-what is it, sir?”

He gave you a smile, there was something about it that made you think he and his buddies had probably wandered into a bar prior to coming to your family’s restaurant. “…you know, you’re a pretty cute waitress…”

“Oh… um, thank you.” It was rare for you to receive compliments. And when you did, it was usually from men old enough to be your grandfather.

“…why don’t you quit working here and become my wife?” he suggested.

Your face had turned red. It was true, you were now old enough to marry, but you hadn’t really thought about it. Okay. Maybe you had fantasized marrying Okita. But that was pure fantasy and you had accepted that it was unlikely to become reality. Besides, it was highly unlikely it would become anything more than fantasy . “Ah…uh… um…”

“Excuse me, but haven’t you heard? This girl’s already infatuated with me, so asking for her hand in marriage may be a bit… pointless?”

The man’s face turned red, and you turned to see the speaker. There was no need to guess who it was. As much as you were reluctant to admit it, you could identify that voice anywhere. But the hard part was actually believing that he was stepping in. Apparently, you weren’t the only one who was surprised. Okita’s friends were all staring at him with some degree of confusion.

“Huh?” the man looked a bit annoyed. “What? Are you this girl’s fiancé or something?”

Okita tilted his head, giving the man a mischievous smile, “And what would you say if I said I was?”

You let out a gasp, covering your mouth the moment the sound escaped from your mouth. The man glanced at you, then back to Okita, his eyes narrowed. “…really. It don’t look like that to me…”

Okita was silent for a moment, before placing his hand on the hilt of his sword. He wasn’t planning on starting a fight here was he? If so, you or someone had to stop him, “…looks like I’ve been found out… you’re annoying anyway.”

He drew his sword, and you squeaked, “Okita-san! Don’t!”

He spared you a glance, but turned back to the man, who looked a bit frightened being face to face with a blade. “…he’s bothering you, though, isn’t he?”

He was, but it didn’t mean that Okita needed to be threatening the poor man. He was just a bit drunk, perfectly harmless. Okita’s friends decided to take action and three of them jumped up to restrain Okita so he could not attack the guy. All of the noise had caused your brother to come out of the kitchen to see what the noise was. When he saw the sword he began to sputter, “Wh-what’s going on here?!”

Okita turned his head to look at your brother with a calm smile, “I’m just getting rid of some annoying twats is all.”

Your brother stared at him, evidently speechless. He soon recovered himself and pointed toward the kitchen, “Move him in there, I will deal with him in a moment.”

Okita’s friends nodded, and dragged the young man into the kitchen. You weren’t sure if it was the wisest choice, but it him not being in the room was an improvement in general. Your brother grabbed you by the head and forced you to bow to this man and his friends. It caused a small bout of déjà vu, but you ignored it for the time being, knowing that it was best to apologize.

“We’re sorry for the other guest’s outburst,” you both apologized, bowing as deeply as you both could. The men watched you in silence. The first to say anything was the man Okita had threatened, he began to laugh. You and your brother looked up in awe, feeling a bit relieved that the man was being so easygoing despite having his life threatened.

“…guess that one had too much alcohol, eh?” Probably not, but you’d go with that. You were a bit surprised that he hadn’t known who Okita was. Perhaps they weren’t from Kyoto. “…should’ve known better than to hit on his woman.”

“But, I’m-” your brother claimed his hand over your mouth.

“…either way, he seems to care about you enough… I was afraid he was going to kill me for a minute there…”

“…we are still sorry for this incident,” your brother repeated. “We will let you guys have your meal for free today…”

It was going to be a pain having given so much food away, but…

“Oh, no, it’s alright… it’s all good,” the man laughed. “We’re from Edo, and this kind of behavior from men is normal…”

“…are you sure?”

“Of course!” one of the men piped up, laughing as well. “We’re happy it didn’t get any worse…”

You were relieved to hear that your family wouldn’t be losing any money over something that was ultimately your fault. After all, if you hadn’t talked to Okita in the first place he probably wouldn’t have threatened the man at all. Of course, your brother probably still intended to talk to Okita about his behavior. You hoped that he wouldn’t ban him and his friends. You didn’t think that he would, they were your best customers.

When the other group of men finished eating, paid and left, you and your brother bowed to them, apologizing once more. Then Okita was allowed out from the kitchen He’d calmed down considerably during the fifteen minutes he’d been in the kitchen. In fact, he seemed to have enjoyed it as he sat down while you brought the group their food. “…I’m amazed to see how differently restaurant kitchens function than home kitchens.”

“I’m surprised they’re still letting us eat here after that, Souji,” Harada answered dryly.

“…you guys are our best customers after all,” your brother responded, face tight. “…so, I’m letting you off with a warning.”

It was clear he was speaking primarily to Okita. The rest of them never caused a problem. “If something like that happens again, we’ll have to kick you out, and after that, we’ll ban you guys. I don’t want it to come to that though. Like I said, you are our most loyal customers and it’d be a shame you lose you. We’re lucky those men were willing to pay for their meal.”

He let out a sigh, and rubbed his temples. “Do you understand?”

“Yes, yes~” Okita waved your brother off, obviously not caring as much as he could.

“I’m being serious here!”

“…you really sound like Hijikata-san~” Okita was referring to the vice-commander of the Shinsengumi. You’d never met him, but he seemed to be very strict. “Fine, I won’t let it happen again…”

Your brother seemed satisfied with that, and returned to the kitchen, with you hesitantly following after. Just like Okita’s first visit to the restaurant after your encounter, you seldom left the kitchen, only going to refill their tea. Your brother left you alone, giving you time to think. Why had he acted like that? It only supported the theory that he actually had feelings for you, despite the fact that the idea seemed ludicrous. But there was no other explanation… unless Okita thought of you as a toy and was mad because someone was trying to take it away…. Though weren’t the two basically the same thing?

When the group paid, Harada left an extra large tip, giving you an apologetic look. As they were leaving you managed to pull Okita aside.

He stared at you, looking curious and, as usual, amused. “Hm~ What is it?”

“Wh-why did you do that?” you stammered. It’d been bothering you, so you thought you might as well ask. It wasn’t as if you were guaranteed an answer, especially since it was Okita you were asking.

“Hm~?” He was silent for a moment, looking as if he was thinking. “…I don’t really know~”

You weren’t sure if he was joking especially since he answered you in that way. “…really?”

“…he was being a bother.”

“…m-maybe they were a little loud, but still… th-that doesn’t mean you should be pulling your sword out. They weren’t doing anything to you.”

Okita shrugged and glanced down at you, looking almost serious. “…Maybe I want to be the only one who makes you look embarrassed like that.”

You stared at him for a moment, confused by what he was saying. Then, when you realized, your face heated up, “Wh-what?!”

He merely laughed and turned to catch up to his friends, “I did say maybe, you know.”

 

* * *

 

You were worried.

As much as he mercilessly teased you and threatened and scared you, you were worried. After the fight that almost occurred in the restaurant, you hadn’t seen Okita come by to visit. Perhaps his friends had told him it was better to keep away for a while since he’d caused so much trouble, or maybe it was something else. When a week had passed, you had even asked your brother if he’d banned Okita entirely.

Your brother was still a little miffed over the incident, but other than that, he told you he had nothing really against the guy, as he was business, and as mean as he did seem to you, he appeared to have some underlying feelings. You found it hard to believe. You just figured that you were some unlucky girl who liked a guy who liked her back… as a toy.

Three weeks had passed when you finally decided to go see for yourself what was going on. Since Okita hadn’t shown his face for a while, your sister had removed her ban on you, letting you resume your previous duties. On a day off, you decided to visit the shrine the Shinsengumi were occupying. You weren’t sure if they’d let you visit Okita, or even if they’d let you in, but there was no knowing for sure until you actually tried.

The shrine appeared open to visitors, and you walked onto the grounds carefully. Near the front of the shrine there were a few men practicing swinging their swords. Among them was a familiar face. You wondered momentarily if it would be okay for you to interrupt their practice. Even though you were there looking for answers, you didn’t really want to be a bother, because if you were too much of a bother they’d kick you out, and you’d be none the wiser about Okita.

It seemed waiting was probably the better option. You plopped on the ground and watched the men practice. You wondered if Okita practiced like that too… but something told you that since he was a captain he was more likely a teacher than a student. He seemed like he’d be horrible teacher… in the sense he’d probably be very harsh towards his students. But then again, maybe not, your brother did say he was good with kids, and you’d seen it too. During one of his many restaurant visits, he’d played a game of rock-paper-scissors with a kid a few times, seeming to lose enough times to make the kid feel good, but win enough times to save his ego.

It seemed someone in the group of men had noticed you, since after the men stopped practicing one went up to Harada, who was teaching them, and pointed you out. Harada nodded and dismissed the men, jogging over to you as they started to leave. You stood up, and dusted yourself off. Harada was one of the nicer guys in Okita’s group of friends… Though it wasn’t really saying much since practically all of Okita’s friends seemed nicer than him.

“…what are you doing here?” he smiled at you. You had the feeling he knew the answer to that. You never really interacted with the rest of the men who came to visit except Okita, so…

“…I’m… I’m here to see Okita-san,” you told him boldly. “…He… you guys haven’t come by lately, so I’ve been a bit… worried.”

“Ah…” Harada sighed. It seemed that was the answer he was expecting. Nervously, he scratched the back of his head. “Well…”

He wasn’t going to tell you. At least, that’s the feeling you got from him. It must’ve been bad… But… but you needed to know, even if it wasn’t bad… because otherwise… “…Please tell me, Harada-san.”

“Uh… ” He glanced down at you, then quickly turned away, not wanting to look at the pleading gaze you were giving him. Rumors were that Harada was… well, not weak towards women, though he was definitely very nice to them. If pleading didn’t work, you still had one trump card… but you didn’t want to use it. If you did, and Okita found out, he’d probably kill you.

“Is… is he dead?” you asked, voice quiet. Somehow, you didn’t think so. You had the feeling had that happened someone would’ve come to tell you, especially if they still thought you and Okita may be romantically linked.

“No!” Harada exclaimed. There was no reason to lie about it so… you wondered what else it could be.

“Sano, what’s the matter?” another man had come up to the both of you. You looked up to see someone unfamiliar… but you had seen him before… It took a moment to place it, but you were sure that this was Okita’s beloved Kondo.

“Ah… well…” he leaned over and whispered something in the man’s ear. The man nodded once and looked down at you.

“…ah, you’re… you’re looking for Souji, are you?”

You nodded and introduced yourself. If this man was indeed Kondo, then he must’ve at least heard about you. You remembered Okita mentioning that he’d heard the rumors about the both of you, and you were sure these rumors must’ve included your name somewhere.

“Ah, yes, Souji’s…” he trailed off. You weren’t sure if he didn’t fully believe the rumors so he couldn’t bring himself to say it, or he didn’t know the right word to use. “Souji’s… lover?”

You winced. You hardly consider yourself Okita’s lover, but if that was who you had to be to get to see Okita… though, you felt Okita would be mad if you lied to Kondo. “S-something like that.”

It wasn’t a lie. A ‘plaything’ may have been more accurate.

“Ah… well,” the man looked unsure whether or not to tell you what was wrong with Okita. You had your ideas, but it would’ve been nice to confirm them.

“Please tell me,” you begged. “I’m worried.”

Just like Harada, Kondo looked troubled over your pleading face. Perhaps it was because they felt that, as men, they should be protecting women, not just from violence and things that could hurt them, but from harmful information as well yet at the same time, he wanted to tell you so you wouldn’t be burdened with not knowing. He glanced over at Harada, who gave him the same look back, then to you.

“…please,” you repeated. You weren’t too sure why you were so insistent on seeing Okita. His cruelty to you outweighed the kindnesss. Even then, somehow, you’d grown attached to the beautiful boy you once saw bathed in blood.

Kondo and Harada looked at one another, before the former sighed in defeat. “He is… bedridden with illness.”

Had the tuberculosis gotten worse? You couldn’t ask. You weren’t supposed to know. All you did was nod. “May I… see him?”

After a moment’s hesitation, Kondo sighed. “Ah… I… I suppose it should be alright.”

He started walking toward the main building with you following behind. Kondo brought you to a room, stopping at the door to call in before he entered. You heard what sounded like someone shifting inside before Kondo opened the door. Inside, it appeared as if Okita had just awoken, or, at the very least, sat up, a pained smile on his face. For the briefest second, surprise flitted across his face. Obviously, he would’ve expected Kondo to see him but not you.

“Souji, this girl,” he motioned towards you. “Has come to visit.”

Okita gave you a mysterious smile, “I see.”

Kondo glanced between you and Okita before he bowed a little, turning back towards the door. “Ah, well… I’ll leave you two alone for now…”

“Oh!” you looked at Kondo wide eyed. You didn’t think Okita would do anything while he was sick, but Kondo’s presense would’ve ensured your safety. “You.. you don’t have to go anywhere…”

Kondo’s response was a laugh. “Ah, no, it’s been a while since you’ve seen Souji, eh? I think he’d like to be alone with you because of that…”

You watched helplessly as Kondo left the room, a slight smile on his face. Any worry or hesitation he had had over leaving you alone with Okita was gone. Perhaps, at some point during your walk to Okita’s room he’d changed his mind, thinking that you visiting was a good thing for Okita.

Once Kondo was gone, it was silent for a moment until Okita pat down the spot next to him for you to sit, “Come here, come here~”

Your eyes slid to where his swords sat. They were too far away for him to grab easily, if he decided to kill you that way… though you still had nothing to make him mad… except visit him. He repeated his command, mischievous smile still spread wide across his face. Slowly, you moved toward him, cautiously sitting in the spot he indicated.

“Well,” Okita began. “Honestly, I didn’t think you’d have the guts to come here.”

“I… was worried.”

“…were you?” he seemed doubtful. You couldn’t really blame him. It was true you did have feelings for him, but it was your fear of him that kept you from expressing it like any normal girl… that and his teasing made it hard to be more forthcoming about things.

“…yes, you hadn’t been coming by lately, and I hadn’t heard anything…”

“Oh? I thought my lack of presence would be good, since I apparently cause trouble,” his voice was dry. He’d received a bit of a scolding from your brother after the previous incident, was he still mad over that?

“Just that one time, ” you pointed out. If it was really that bad, your brother would’ve banned him. “…are you… feeling alright?”

He looked at you as if you’d asked a stupid question. You shrank a little bit in response to his glare. He held it for a moment before sighing. “…it’s no good. I can’t be of any use to Kondo-san like this.”

His eyes glimmered with a kind of sadness, but it also seemed like there was something else there… You weren’t entirely sure what it could be though. But you didn’t know what to say to comfort him, as much as you tried, you couldn’t think of anything to alleviate the sadness he was feeling. It was odd seeing him like this, and, as much has you were reluctant to admit it, the Okita who teased you mercilessly was more preferable to this one.

“Is…” you were probably asking something stupid, but it was better than being silent. “Is… is that really all you’re living for?”

Okita glanced over at you, expression blank for a moment. Then he laughed a little. “Who knows~”

You frowned, but maybe a joke was what he needed right now. His illness had finally gotten the better of him and confined him to his bed. He couldn’t go out with the rest of the men of the Shinsengumi to fight and protect Kyoto. All he could do was sit here and pray for a miracle that would make him feel better. “…I… I’m being serious.”

“…I know,” he paused. “…All I’ve ever really wanted was to be useful to the Kondo-san who saved me, but…”

He looked over to you, his gaze softer. You could feel your heart start to race. What was going on? You hadn’t even seen him give you a look like that before, and… your mind was screaming that it could only mean one thing… but this was Okita you were dealing with, and things weren’t always what they looked like… even if he gave words to what he was thinking, there was always the chance he could be joking with you.

He kept staring at you, and after a while you began to feel a little uncomfortable. You shifted a little bit, “Wh-what is it?”

He beamed at you, “Hm~ I wonder~”

You frowned, causing him to snicker a bit. “Well, I was thinking… maybe I’ve been wanting more than just being useful to Kondo-san.”

You tilted your head a little bit, wondering if he was in the mood to elaborate on that. “…um, like… what?”

He continued to grin at you. “Huuuh~ I thought you might be smart enough to figure it out.”

Your expression didn’t change. You didn’t think that it was that you weren’t smart or anything, it was just that when it came to Okita, you could never really be sure if what you suspected was right or not. He continued to watch you, obviously finding your confusion amusing. When you didn’t offer any ideas as to what he could possibly mean, he chuckled a bit and reached out to poke your cheeks, “Hmm~ Should I give you a hint, then?”

You stared blankly at Okita before shrugging. Somehow, you had the feeling that any kind of ‘hint’ you received from Okita wouldn’t be very helpful. The mocking smile that you knew so well spread across his face, supporting that notion. He reached out with his hand and touched your cheek. You flinched, feeling your face get warm beneath his touch. What was he doing?

Then, he leaned in closer and closer until his lips pressed gently against yours. After a moment he pulled back, looking thoroughly amused at whatever expression you had on your face. You weren’t quite sure what it could be, but if you had to guess, you probably looked horrified. Not that you felt horrified, but you were just that stunned. Had he really… had he really kissed you? You continued to stare wide-eyed at him, feeling almost as if you had exploded or… you couldn’t even think what it was.

When you finally found your voice you managed to ask, “…what… why did you do that?”

Okita, who still looked thoroughly entertained, shrugged, “I just felt like it. Didn’t you tell me I should try to have more fun once?”

“Ye… I… you…” Anything and everything you tried to say came out as a jumbled mess. You were still trying to process the fact that Okita had just kissed you. As hard as you tried, you couldn’t imagine why or how… Even though he said he ‘just felt like it’ it felt as if there was more to it than that. You took a deep breath, and focused your thoughts, aiming to form at least one coherent sentence. “That… can’t be it… why?”

He continued to smile at you and repeated, “…remember when you told me I should try to have more fun?”

You slowly nodded, unsure of where he was heading with this. Or maybe you were sure, you just didn’t want to think of what came next.

“…you remember why?”

You thought for a moment, recalling the conversation. It seemed like it happened a long time ago, when, in reality, it had only been a few weeks. Slowly, it dawned on you, what you said, or at least inferred. You shook your head. No… He couldn’t be… Had it already gotten that bad. “…n…no…”

It felt odd, but you felt as if someone was pulling at your heart. Even though he’d been mean to you, even threatened you, there was no denying that you’d become attached to Okita. If he were gone, you’d miss him. If he were gone, you’d be lonely. In the back of your mind you wondered why it was like that, especially when he’d threatened your life during your very first encounter.

Okita’s smile became almost sad, “…The doctor told me the place I’m going has cleaner air… it should help me get better.”

You shook your head once more. You knew better. There was no cure for tuberculosis. Even if he did get ‘better,’ his illness would one day claim his life. It was just a matter of when. You knew he wouldn’t say anything to you, but you both knew: there was no saving Okita. The tears threatened to fall, and you buried your face in your hands, not wanting Okita to see you cry. As much as he liked to torture you, you didn’t think his enjoyment extended that far. You felt a prodding at your cheek, and peeked at Okita through your fingers.

“…Will… will you ever come back?” you whispered, knowing the answer. If he left, there was no guarantee he’d come back. There was no saying for sure that he’d walk into your family restaurant and watch you with that mocking smile ever again. There was nothing you could guarantee… except his death. “Will… will I see you again?”

Okita watched you, his expression becoming unreadable again. He reached out and ruffled your hair, his smile changing into something new that you had never seen before. It was a warm, comforting smile. You hadn’t known he was capable of such a thing, but it was nice to know that he was. It gave you hope, even though there was almost none.

When he spoke, you weren’t sure if he really believed what he was saying or if he was trying to convince you. It was a bit odd coming from Okita, but either way, his words made you want to believe that he was right, that what he said would happen.

“Don’t worry. We’ve encountered one another enough times that it's bound to happen again one day.”


End file.
